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Post by Admin on Jul 3, 2006 13:27:31 GMT -5
Expand on EVERYTHING. We also need the "for your first post" section, his hair color, and eye color.
(I had an OC once that was English and did the precog thing too ^_^ But without the power control)
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Post by Storm on Jul 3, 2006 13:33:28 GMT -5
This is a good start, but it needs expanding in every category. Really get into the details of the character.
The power worries me a little bit because not only is premonition difficult to play in an RP (because unlike in a story planned ahead of time, you can't know what someone's going to do here before they do it), but taking powers by empathy has the potential to make your character instantly stronger than any of the others. Put some handicaps on that power if you want to have it; for instance, he can only use the powers weakly, or something.
History is interesting but tell us about his childhood too (parents, etc.)
Write a longer sample RP - we want to see you at your best! and so we can get a feel for your character, please write it specifically for Seer.
Finally, tell us what RPs you belong to, we're always interested to know. : )
Good start though!
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Post by Pyro on Jul 3, 2006 13:35:33 GMT -5
Even though my stamp's not required (RAGE! SNARL! MORE BROTHERHOOD!) I'd like to add my request to see the character expanded out more than it currently is as well.
Also, agree with Storm on the premonition thing: how would you see that working in a multi-player RP situation?
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Post by Admin on Jul 3, 2006 13:42:38 GMT -5
Usually precogs just have to talk about their plans with the opposite player over PM, to get the projected future (it doesn't have to necessarily come true) as well as permission to use the power on them.
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Post by Storm on Jul 3, 2006 13:52:47 GMT -5
Getting there; please keep looking at what I said about powers and history.
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Post by Admin on Jul 3, 2006 13:58:20 GMT -5
Expand still on all of the sections (especially the appearance and personality sections - we need to be able to picture him in our minds, and one sentance each doesn't do it). Also, read everything outloud - there are a few missing words or misplaced words.
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Post by Admin on Jul 3, 2006 14:14:02 GMT -5
Photos cannot be used for appearance sections. They can be used in avatars and sigs, but if you don't have the ability to describe your character in words then you don't have what it takes to play here. It's writing-based, not photo-based.
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Post by Admin on Jul 3, 2006 21:39:27 GMT -5
With three years of experiance under your belt, I just expect to see more than we are getting. Take a look at some of the other bios that have been accepted, copy/paste this whole thing into Word for the spell and grammar gizmo, read it outloud, and then put it back up for us.
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Post by Admin on Jul 4, 2006 21:22:36 GMT -5
There are still alot of sentances that don't make sense they way they are written. Like "He is unable to control when receives a premonition however must touch an object or person."
Speaking of the above, how does he do these things? How does premonition play into it? Does he have to touch someone in order to use their powers (like Rogue does) or can he just be near them? Looking them in the eye? You've got to build this section up alot before we will stamp it.
Why did he move around alot? You said that he did, and never explained why. Military brat? Abassador parents? What is actually going on in his life?
"He left school with 10 GCSE's and 3 A levels." Explain this please? What's a GCSE?
<i>His powers manifested on his 14th birthday when h picked up the present from his girlfriend and saw her making out with another guy. He went to confront them about it and broke up with his girlfriend. When realizing what he was and his powers he began to sneak into police stations and eavesdropping on the briefings. He began to steal evidence and getting premonitions to solve the crimes. </i>
None of that made sense. Why would she tell him to come pick up a present if she had another guy over? What does it have to do with crime scenes? How did he realize that he was a mutant?
And the sample RP needs to be re-written with proper grammar. As well as some actual characterization. You give plot points - things that happened. Now I want to know more about what he was feeling, if he thought he would actually be able to help, ect.
I might suggest trying out for a canon character first, as OCs are harder to get accepted to the game, especially as your first character.
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