Man to Man

[Simon Burkett]

Simon sat in the front room with his feet up on a pile of cushions one of the kids must have piled up during the morning. He had half a bottle of Mountain Dew, and as far as he could tell, all of the gorgeous girlies were upstairs doing a meet and greet with Mickey.

That stupid cartoon was playing on the TV and in this particular episode the stalwart hero Meatwave was being suckered and then betrayed by the wicked Salami Seductress.

"See," Simon commented as Meatwave lamented the cruel pangs of a broken heart, "that's what I'm talking about, how can you ever know for sure if a girl really likes you?"

Jamie, his sofa buddy shrugged, "I dunno," he said unhelpfully, "I suppose you can never really tell."

Simon looked at him.

"That dosn't help. I mean come on, as one guy to another we should really be considering these things, how are we supposed to know if the signals they are giving are ... you know ... the real deal?"

Jamie looked thoughtful for awhile.

"I suppose if she really likes you she will be into things like sunset walks and candle-lit dinners, see the Seductress there, she's just leading him on, showing herself off and playing on his weakness as a man."

Simon nodded thoughtfully.

"But," he said as if speaking the words as they occurred to him, "how would you be able to tell if that flash of leg," Jamie looked uncomfortable, "isn't just, you know, a bit of flirting."

There was a pause.

"Not that I would know if a girl was flirting with me if she had a sign around her neck that said 'Flirting'"

Jamie laughed at that.

"You're a funny guy, you know that?"

Simon gave him a half enthusiastic smile.

"Yeah, girls just think I'm a laugh a minute."

"What exactly is your problem?" Jamie finally asked, turning in the seat to look at his TV buddy.

"I don't know," Simon said with a faint shrug, "I think girls have been put in the world as some sort of cruel and unusual form of torture."

Jamie grinned.

"Now you're talking my language. My sister? I can't stand her, moving my stuff around like she owns the place!"

"She does that?"

"Sure does!"

"Wow, my sister was always pretty good about messing with my stuff."

Jamie nodded.

"You're lucky, it drives me crazy."

"Girls do that, usually from the moment they learn to speak."

Jamie laughed again.

"See, you're a funny guy."

Simon shook his head.

"But girls don't want funny, they want confident, good looking and bulging muscles. They won't be laughing with me, they'll be laughing at me."

"How do you know that? Girls have to be one of the worlds biggest puzzles."

"I know that because it happens every day."

"Yeah, but they do stuff like say no when they mean yes and nothing when they really mean something. You can't guess what they're talking about, it's impossible!"

Simon looked at him for a long time.

"What?" Jamie eventually said, slightly disconcerted.

"You know, YOU are pretty smart," Simon said with a chuckle.

Jamie grinned, "nah, I've just been living in this place awhile."

"Yeah," Simon smiled, "you must be used to things like naked thighs and little shorts huh?"

Jamie looked at him slightly aghast.

"Hey ... I'm twelve years old, you can't talk to me like that!"

He shook his head and went back to watching the cartoon.

[danielle]

Clomping down the stairs with her book under her arm, Dani suddenly had a thought that maybe shoes off inside would be a good thing.

Particularly combat boots, and particularly hers which had a habit of being dusty. She clomped back up the stairs, took her shoes and socks off and left them next to the door, then clomped back down much more quietly.

She'd been intending on reading some more, but the sound of a familiar cartoon drew her attention.

Simon might have thought it was lame, but Dani liked Meatwave.

As she rounded the corner to see the TV, she noticed that Simon was watching. An amused smile appeared on her face.

She had absolutely no way of knowing that Simon had been talking about little shorts just moments before she entered the room. Probably the very same little shorts that she was still wearing.

"I thought you didn't like Meatwave." Plonking herself down on the small couch in between the two boys, Dani smiled.

"Oooh, the Salami Seductress. This storyline is great."

[Simon Burkett]

"Oh hey Dani," Jamie said with a bright grin, "Simon was just ... "

He suddenly became aware of Simon's wide eyed, tight lipped expression. Gave the boy a tiny shake of his head hoping against hope that he would take the hint. Then it occurred to him that Jamie might have the sort of malicious sense of humour that thrived on the embarrassment of others.

" ... just ... saying, that ... this episode wasn't as bad as some that he had seen."

Good recovery. Close one.

Simon let the breath he had been holding out slowly.

"Yeah ... uh ... this one isn't so bad."

She was still wearing those shorts. He forced himself to try not to think about it as she sat up close beside him.

Hubba hubba.

Shut up!

"To be honest ... I'm pretty surprised they get away with calling her ... the Salami ... Seductress."

[danielle]

It took Dani a few moments to understand what Simon meant and when she finally did, she burst out laughing.

"I didn't even think of that!"

She covered her face with her hands as she laughed, her eyes closing for a moment in a sort of embarrassed amusement.

"You're dirty, Simon! It's a kids show!"

Her hands returned to resting in her lap while she gave him another amused smile, shaking her head.

"Anyway, it's not like they..."

Her cheeks turned a little pink, but thankfully her skin tone meant that it wasn't obvious.

"I mean, it's a cartoon, it's all about love and stuff."

Even though she was the Seductress. Unless it was hardcore anime, cartoons weren't usually about sex.

She'd accidentally put some of the more interesting anime in the kids section when she did a brief stint at a video store. She'd quickly learnt the difference.

[Simon Burkett]

Simon watched her and gave a little laugh of his own as she cottoned on while Jamie just gave a puzzled smile that only the naive young can achieve.

Watching her smile and laugh made something ache deep inside.

Oh God you are gorgeous.

Dude ... you have SO got it bad!

What? We've known each other all of a day, shut up!

You are so transparent!

And you don't know what you're talking about.

You seem to be forgetting that I AM you.

Simon resolved to ignore his inner voice for a good long time. Or at least while Dani was around. It seemed to enjoy mocking him.

"Yeah, I suppose it's like ... one of those ... moral lesson type things. Like the ones you used to get at the end of He-Man with Orco and Man-at-Arms."

Whoa ... lapsed into geek-speak again.

[danielle]

"Yeah, but the end of Meatwave is normally just ads." Sometimes they had these weird ads encouraging people to eat beef, with a smiling Meatwave on the screen.

"And I always liked She-Ra. Dressed up as her once for Halloween, but of course my hair was all wrong." That had been a very small costume, even compared to what Dani usually wore.

Of course, things had all gone wrong when her power had activated and a bunch of little kids had seen goblins and witches and skeletons coming towards them.

"But yeah, it was good fun." She still had that costume at home, it had taken her a lot of effort to get just right. Finding the boots had been the hardest, since she hadn't wanted them to look tacky.

Realising that she still had her book tucked under her arm, Dani set it down on the coffee table and sat back, bringing her feet up to rest on the cover. It made sense in her head, and she didn't even think that she might be teaching the kids bad lessons. She noticed that her blue-painted toenails were starting to chip and had a vague thought that she'd have to touch them up later on.

"I wonder what the creators were thinking when they made the Seductress." They were probably banking on kids being young enough not to think on it. "I mean, she's not exactly your usual love interest, is she? Even being called the Seductress, you know?" But Meatwave and the Salami Seductress were unlikely to end up together in the end anyway.

[mickey]

Mickey had said a quick thank-you to Marie and pressed out a few details involving the general use of his car (no one under eighteen and no bad drivers), though he hadn't got around to money yet. He was liking better and better the idea of simply stealing the bills or ringing up the Place's service providers and having them take directly from one of his accounts.

Either way, Mickey was trotting down the stairs in order to tell his new roomie the state of affairs. How strange to have to live with someone again; he hadn't had a roommate since boarding school.

Somehow he doubted this would be the same situation. For one thing, he didn't think Simon would want to Experiment with him. More was the pity. Mickey could probably do better, of course, but this part of the country was slim pickins.

He stuck his head into the living room, followed shortly by the rest of him, to see Simon on the couch with Dani and some younger kid.

"Hey, Simon," Mickey said. "Marie switched around the rooming assignments, so now I'm in with you. That okay?"

Please let it be okay. He didn't want to have to live with a twelve-year-old.

[Simon Burkett]

Sweet lord!

Can you imagine the skirt? And those boots?!

Please ... for the sake of all that is holy ...

And the gold wire thing that held up her ...

SHUT UP!

"Sounds ... sounds like a good time," Simon managed a little weakly. He cleared his throat and focused for a second. He was starting to get good at it.

Hey, at least if Rogue's Place falls through you can always move to a Krishna temple.

Thanks.

"I think it's one of those ... things meant to entertain the adult audience that have to sit with their kids and watch." It was getting much more common these days for cartoon creators to put humour in aimed at the adult population that inevitably ended up watching alongside their offspring.

They could afford to be a little bit risque, the children just wouldn't get it.

"I don't think the Seductress is meant as a serious love interest," he added, "more like ... the bad girl who will always catch his eye, even when he's got ... Asparagus Angie."

She was the perennial damsel in distress that always suspected Meatwave's real identity but was always conveniently thrown off the scent at the last minute. He also suspected that the asparagus reference wasn't entirely accidental.

Children's cartoons had so many hidden sexual connotations.

Like She-Ra!

Gah!

Just then Mickey saved his thought process from further picturing Dani in a little white mini-skirt and knee-high boots.

"Cool!" He smiled, not that he minded sharing with Jamie, but you could only talk about Transformers for so long before it became repetitive.

"That's fine by me, I guess I'll need to make some space in the wardrobe then huh?"

[mickey]

Sweet. Simon did not look disgusted at the thought of his presence. But then, who could resist?

Psssh.

Mickey missed out on the pleasant images of Dani's costume, simply because he had no clue who She-Ra was. Had he had them, he would've been very appreciative.

"Cool! That's fine by me, I guess I'll need to make some space in the wardrobe then huh?"

"Yeah, that'd be cool," Mickey said. "I'm gonna go set my shit up, I promise not to move anything that looks important."

Oh, right. Twelve-year-old.

Well, whatever. He probably knew it anyway.

[exit]

[danielle]

There was no chance to agree with him about the Asparagus Angie thing before Mickey had wandered in and the two boys spoke for a moment about rooming arrangements or something. Dani gave the newcomer - well, newer than her, anyway - a small wave before turning her attention back to Meatwave.

Jamie was looking slightly annoyed at all the talk and she gave him an apologetic smile.

Mickey was saying something about setting his shit up, which gave Dani a vague thought that perhaps she should make sure to watch her language in front of the younger kids. Jamie was still looking annoyed, though she doubted it was because of Mickey's language.

Leaning across to get the remote control from beside Simon - and almost ending up falling into his lap, which made her cheeks turn pink again, Dani turned up the volume.

"Sorry," she muttered, wondering why it was that she was so much more unco-ordinated around Simon than usual.

Yeah, he was cute, and yeah, she liked talking to him - he knew what she was on about when she talked about old cartoons and Guild Wars and video games.

The Seductress was saying something about how she could help Meatwave do things he'd never even dreamed of. Dani burst out laughing.

"You've ruined it for me now, I can't think about it without..." Her cheeks turned pink again.

[Simon Burkett]

Simon turned back to the television just in time to have Dani lean across him. He was once again assaulted by the floral scent of jasmine as her hair swished past his face. He just about managed to bite back a squeak when she all but fell into his lap.

That would have been really embarrassing.

No need to apologise, you can do that as much as you like!

Yeah ... any time.

Gotcha!

!

"Th ... that's ok," he said, managing a little smile, "I guess I was sort of ... hogging the remote." I am a guy after all, isn't that what we're supposed to do?

The slightly questionable line about 'doing things he'd never even dreamed of' turned his smile into a smirk. Yes, Meatwave was rife with sexual innuendo, did that mean he was a pervert?

Dude, you couldn't be a pervert if you tried, you nearly have a heart attack from a bit of exposed thigh.

This is true.

"You will never look at cartoons the same way again," he said with a chuckle. Jamie looked at him with a faintly mystified expression which only added to his amusement.

"Just wait until you watch Pokemon ... it's a whole new experience."

[danielle]

"That's all good." Dani shrugged, not entirely familar with the boy code of remote control hogging.

"You mean taming your charizard and carrying around a bunch of pokeballs isn't completely innocent?"

She tried to convert her amused smile into an innocent look.

She didn't think it worked.

"And isn't there one in the game called Shroomish?"

Just because she'd grown up on a reservation didn't mean she hadn't been exposed to sex and drugs and rock and roll. While her mutation had probably kept the worst of it from her, Dani knew that not all of the kids had been perfect.

People everywhere had problems, didn't they?

"God, what are you doing to me, Simon?"

She shot him an amused grin, but she wasn't entirely sure whether the question was rhetorical or not.

[Simon Burkett]

Simon chuckled, "not to mention Lickitung!"

Then he realised he was talking about sexual innuendo with a girl and not just a girl but Dani. He blushed slightly and the laughter subsided into a sort of slightly foolish grin.

Then the cartoon finished.

Jamie jumped down off the sofa and and wandered to the door, "I'm gonna go get a soda, you guys want one?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," Simon said absently.

He looked back at Dani who still had a faint smile of false innocence on her face and he felt his heart clench. She was so damn beautiful.

You and her, the sofa, nobody around ...

Oh be quiet.

"I'm ... not doing anything to you," he mumbled, "am I?"

He was sure he must be about as pink in the cheeks as it was possible to get and it felt like his entire body had been flushed with adrenaline.

Kiss her! You know you want to!

Fuck you!

Who knows, maybe later ...

Somehow he was able to picture his inner voice winking, even though it was nothing but the disembodied sound of his conscience.

[danielle]

She'd forgotten that one, and her shoulders shook in silent amusement as she tried to get her face back to some kind of innocence.

Dani nodded to Jamie as he offered the soda, humming along with the end credits for a moment.

Until Simon spoke, and she turned to him with an acute awareness of the fact that they were the only ones in the room, and still sitting very close to one another.

About as close as they could be without touching.

Considering she'd been sitting on his lap earlier, that seemed like a very large distance indeed.

Any number of thoughts went through her head in response to his question.

The thought that they'd only known each other for the span of about a day. The thought that she always managed to mess things up with boys and then they'd ignore her. The thought that she'd given him mouth to mouth and sat on his lap today anyway, so there wasn't much more she could do, really.

The thought that he really was cute, and funny, and understood that she was a bit awkward and a bit of a geek and didn't seem to care.

"Just... making me think."

About kissing you.

She had a short moment where she wondered what he'd do.

Then she reached out to touch his cheek oh-so-lightly with one hand, and leant towards him.

[Simon Burkett]

Later, Simon would swear that he not only stopped breathing, but that his heart stopped too. Just that faint touch felt like an electric shock that set his entire body trembling.

She was so close, her lips slightly parted. Nothing like this had ever happened before yet it felt so natural as he ...

"Hey guys! I hope you like Mountain Dew!" Jamie's perfectly timed twelve-year old voice chimed in as he re-entered the room expertly carrying a trio of tumblers.

SHIT!

SHIT!

There had been barely an inch between them, so close, and yet so very very far. The moment was broken however and they pulled away, Simon looking and feeling slightly guilty, like a child who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

He blushed.

He cleared his throat.

"Uh ... " he hesitated and looked slightly vacantly at Jamie who seemed happily oblivious to the moment of almost-intimacy that had so nearly been shared.

"Uh ... yeah, Mountain Dew's great ... thanks."

[danielle]

Well, this is awkward.

It had seemed to her that he'd actually been, you know, interested in kissing her.

Of course, she could have been totally interpreting wrong, and since Jamie had arrived with Mountain Dew she'd probably never know.

"Thanks, Jamie."

She'd dropped her hand into her lap immediately, and now she glanced back at Simon to see that he was blushing.

Because she'd tried to kiss him, or because Jamie had come in?

Dani started to blush too.

Accepting a cup from Jamie, she turned to hand it to Simon with a slightly awkward look.

Oh, god, I hope I didn't ruin everything...

Then she took her own cup, and with a supremely awkward look in the opposite direction, took a sip.

She nearly managed to spit it all over herself when Pokemon came on.