Post by Cannonball on Dec 1, 2006 17:25:48 GMT -5
Paige had run that morning, but wasn’t really into it. She usually loved her morning jog, it gave her time to think. This time, her thoughts were so heavy they weighed down her feet. She wanted to curl up with the quilt Aunt Elsie had made her when she turned 16, in her own bed at home, and have Mama pet her hair while they talked things over. She tried to imagine what Mama would have to say about this particular situation.
“Well darlin’, why wouldja go datin’ a boy if you wasn’t sure how you felt about ‘im?”
The shower hadn’t helped either. She pulled on a pair of jeans and a tshirt, then sat on her bed with her hands between her knees, sighing every few seconds. She needed Mama’s slow, loving advice and couldn’t call, the long distance just made Mama worry in a way she rarely did when her kids were within hugging range. So she was alone. Or was she?
Wandering through the halls to Sam’s room, she knocked.
“Sammy? You there?”
Sam was, indeed, there. He was still in bed, attempting to recover from the hangover he had acquired through drinking one beer too many the previous night. He had woken up with the faintest recollection that he may have left a succession of increasingly anxious messages on Brenda's answering machine. They had started at about 8pm, harmlessly enough, Hi, it's me, just wanted to say hi, take care, bye.
By 10pm, they were more along the 'Bren, pick up, I really need to talk to you, please...' variety.
By midnight he'd been all but sobbing down the phone to her.
Now he was living with the consequences.
He was rather relieved when Paige knocked and dragged him from his wallowing pit of self-inflicted misery. "Yeah, Chubs, c'mon in, honey."
Paige stepped in, and gave him a small smile as she closed the door behind her. It wasn’t a shock at all to see Sam still in his bed- with a small house and too many children, modesty was a far away concept. “Whatcha doin still sleeping, lazybutt? Guess it’s part of that whole vacation idea, hmm?” She sat on the end of his bed and nudged off her sandals, going cross-legged nearly on top of his feet. In reality she was glad he’d slept in. He likely needed it.
“You look like hell. Shame you didn’t invite me along on that bender of yours Sammy.” She smirked. Being 19 had nothing to do with it- she’d been drinking since she was too young to tell her Mama about it. Truth be told she was likely still too young, but she’d always been the rebellious one.
"Y'all are too young," said Sam, automatically, then gave her a slightly green-around-the-gills kind of smile. "Figured I'd take a beer or two, before ya know it, it's five or six an' drivin' m'self home ain't an option any more. By then I'd figured, 'what the heck'."
She knew that at one time he had given up alcohol. He must have been feeling really bad to get out of his head the way he had.
"So what's eatin' ya, li'l sis?"
Paige looked regretful. “Oh sweetheart…” she sighed. “I shouldn’t be buggin you. I’m sorry. It’s just…”
She ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. “I’m just confused. About Bobby.”
"Paige, honey, ya don't EVER bug me. Don't ya ever start thinkin' otherwise. It's my job to be bugged by ya. It's practically in the 'big brother' job description. He sat up a bit and she noticed he was still mostly clothed, like he'd just collapsed in what he was wearing when he'd come in last night.
Which was, in fact, the case.
"What's confusin' ya 'bout Bobby, c'mon, tell me."
she needed was the slightest provocation and her worries came flooding from her before she could stop and sort them out. “It’s just that… now he’s back. And… even that first day, I knew something was different.” The concern on her face was almost painful to look at, her eyes glassy with emotion. “And it’s been a couple days now… and I’m not sure I feel the same for him that I did before he… left.”
Rubbing the back of her neck, she sighed heavily. “Things were great, better than great, before he left. I thought I was falling in love. We were having-“ she stopped. She figured Sam didn’t want to hear about the incredibly hot, incredibly frequent sex they’d been having in the two short weeks they’d known each other before the arrest. “We’d been having a great time. It’s like… he glowed. He was a hero, larger than life, and brilliant, and funny, and handsome…” Paige closed her eyes, wincing with the hurt of it.
“And then he went away. And it was still there for a while, but I was so worried… and then the worry became… anger, I guess. I resented him, ya know? ‘Cause he got so upset because some other guy kissed me before he knew we were together. And then I had to decide, only knowing him for a few weeks, whether I wanted to be his girlfriend or not.”
She looked at Sam again. “And he’s still all those things I said. He’s gorgeous, and wonderful, and we’re still having fun, but…” Paige bit her bottom lip. “I just don’t… feel… IT… there. Like I did before. Now he feels more like a… a friend.”
"C'mere," he said, and put his arms out to her so she could come to him for a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close for a minute, this precious young woman who had helped him so many years ago when he'd needed it the most. From the day she was born, even before she could talk or understand the finer points of manipulation, she'd had him wrapped around his little finger. Totally and utterly.
He stroked her hair gently.
"Now ya listen to me, Paige Guthrie," he said, in what the entire Guthrie family referred to as 'Head of the Household' voice. "What ya gotta realise is that both Bobby and yaself have been through a helluva lot in the past few weeks. It's gonna take time. Hard as it is, darlin', ya gotta start again. It wasn't ever gonna go straight back the way it was. If it's worth hangin' on for, it'll work out. Take ya time."
Paige sniffled. She absolutely abhorred crying in front of anyone, even her family- especially her family. As the second oldest Guthrie and the oldest daughter, she took a great deal of pride in her strength and her ability to handle things when things needed handling.
Paige wiped an eye, holding her breath stubbornly until the tears stopped. “I want to hold on, I want it to work… he’s so wonderful, I don’t deserve him.” Paige had a long history with bad boys who treated her just as badly. Perhaps it was rebellion, as it seemed unlikely it was low self esteem- Paige was the most confident(some might say overconfident) person most that knew her had ever met. Yet here she was, completely bewildered and lacking the ability to see the silver lining.
“But then I wonder, what if there’s someone else? What if I’m meant to be with someone else and… just Bobby’s friend. And oh god, Sam, he’s such a sensitive guy, and so… possessive. He’d never forgive me if I broke it off. Never ever ever…” her voice tightened and finally stopped, as what she’d been holding back, all the sadness over his absence and the heavy guilty over what had happened while he was gone wrenching into her heart all in one whollop. Perhaps she was making too much of it. But maybe holding it all back had made it bigger than it was before.
"Honey, oh, honey." Sam hugged his sister tightly. "Have ya talked to Bobby how ya feel? Maybe he's feelin' the same way. Y'all are both grownups, right? Ya can talk this thing through an' take it one step at a time. It's pretty obvious to me that ya care for him. If ya didn't, ya wouldn't be sat there in tears. When a gal don't love her man no more, she don't cry none. She just..."
He stopped that line of conversation.
"Ya want me to talk to him for ya? I will, ya know. I ain't a complete ogre."
Paige shook her head, resting her head in the curve of his neck, sniffling again. “I don’t know what I want Sammy… we talked about it somewhat… I told him I couldn’t say I was his girlfriend. I wasn’t ready for that. That we had to back up. He said we didn’t have to have sex anymore if that would help…” she snorted. “I really don’t know where he’s comin’ from sometimes Sammy. And he just seemed so… okay with it. And we haven’t talked since. Was only a day ago, but still.” She wiped her eyes. “I just feel this… emptiness there now.”
“I know that’s not how it’s s’posed to be. When you love someone, you want them there with you all the time. You remember the feeling of their skin when your hand is holding theirs. When you see them, you want to hold them close to you, even if it’s the wrong time.” Paige sat up, and her hands were shaking as she wiped away tears that fell without sobs. “And you remember their… eyes when you fall asleep at night. And they’re your first thought in the… in the morning…” Paige’s eyes shut tight, and she covered her face.
“Oh god Sammy what am I gonna do…” He voice was muffled, and then Paige fell apart, sobbing hard. This wasn’t like Paige at all.
He didn't say anything, just let her cry. In his experience, it was the best thing to let a woman cry and get it out of their system. He held her close and made gentle little gestures of affection: stroking her hair here, kissing the top of her head there.
He even ignored the sex comment. His sister was, after all, a grown woman - and a gorgeous one to boot. He'd given up worrying about defending her virtue years ago.
Sam Guthrie was many things. He was clumsy, awkward, not terribly bright - but he was a good brother and a kind, sweet man. Seeing his sister this upset made him angry and distressed at the same time. He wanted to rip the world apart and put it back together in a manner that would make her smile again.
"Ya gotta make a choice," he said, eventually, his voice tinged with sadness. "Ya need to work out reasons why ya want it to work. List 'em down. Then write reasons why it ain't ever gonna work. Then compare them. Really, darlin', sometimes writin' things down helps get ya head straight."
Paige leaned against her brother, toying with the end of the blanket. “I’m so sorry…” she said softly, whining a little. “I know you don’t need this. I just didn’t know what else ta do. Mama’s not here.” She sniffled, crying a little. “I miss home. So badly. That must be so stupid…” She wiped her eyes. “I miss Mama, and the kids. Specially Melody. These people ain’t like us Sam. They just don’t think the same way.” Paige sat up again, and took his hand in both of hers.
“I love ya, you know that. I wish you were here all the time.” In the end, Paige Guthrie was only nineteen years old, and this was the first time she’d been away from home. Her first ‘adult’ relationship, and the pressure of becoming an X-Man. Maybe there was more on her mind than boys.
Sniffling hard, she cleared her throat. “I think you’re right though. Maybe… writin’ it all down. I gotta figure something out… you know part of me is afraid I already know the answer? Or maybe I’m just not very good at listenin’ ta myself. Gosh Sammy… I’m so afraid of makin’ your…” She was going to say mistake, but she wondered if Sam saw it that way. Paige shook her head and didn’t finish.
If he figured out where she was going with her sentence, he showed nothing of it in his face. That was Sam all over. If any of his family had a problem, he put his own to one side and concentrated on damage limitation for his nearest and dearest.
It had been that particular personality trait that had killed his marriage in many ways.
"I miss home too, darlin'," he said, quietly. "So guess I'm just as stupid as y'all are, huh? An' ya KNOW how thick I am." He smiled at her and wiped at her tears with his free hand. "Listen to me, Paige, honey. I know ya think this is the end of the world - but believe me - an' ya gonna hear this many times. It stops hurtin' in time. Remember how cut up I was over Gilly? When she left me for that Howard guy? Right before I followed her all the way to Atlanta an' met Bren instead? It don't hurt none any more."
Something else she said connected and he brushed her hair back.
"I was doin' some thinkin' last night. An'...I'm gonna stick around. Leastways for now. Gonna call my boss, quit my job. I can't face it any more. It ain't what I want in life."
Paige met his eyes, blue eyes for blue, and smiled a little through a few tears. “Really?” More tears came in her happiness, though it was mostly emotions. She laughed shakily and wiped her own eyes, leaning in to press her lips to his cheek. “I think that’s a great plan. I sure could use a cryin’ pillow around, ‘parently…” She chuckled.
“I hope it stops hurtin’ so much. I thought it was… I don’t know. I was so happy to meet Bobby, and thought things were going so great. Now I kinda wish I wasn’t dating -anyone- and had just stuck to the plan. Workin’ hard to be an X-Man. I feel like I’ve lost track, ya know?”
"Yeah," he said, a little ruefully. "Gonna stick around here for as long as 'Ro will let me, anyway." He rubbed at his cheek after she kissed it. "Damn, girl, ya better not be wearin' any lipstick. I'm s'posed to be the respectable one."
He turned to pick up his glass of water and took a long sip. "Now, you an' I should maybe go down to the Danger Room. Burn off some of our mutual anger an' frustrations, d'ya reckon? Although I gotta get into the shower first." He sniffed. "An' prob'ly change. I'll keep ya on track much as I can, pumpkin, but ya gotta learn yaself as well."
Where had he garnered so much wisdom, and why couldn't he apply it to his own situation? He thought again of the tearful messages left on Brenda's answering machine and felt momentarily guilty.
Paige laughed softly, getting up from the bed. Here was her brother, comforting to the end, but unwilling to coddle her. She loved it.
Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “Yeah, ya smell like Uncle Jake’s cellar.” She grinned. “Meetcha downstairs for breakfast, then maybe we’ll see what we can get into in the Danger Room? You’ll have to tell me what you think of my outfit.” She went to the door and was halfway through it before she turned to look back at him.
“Thanks, Sam.”
"Sure, Chubs, it's what I do."
She'd laughed. That was what he'd hoped to hear. "I'll be down in twenty," he said, swinging himself out of bed. The hangover had been chased to the back of his consciousness and it would be a good five minutes after Paige left that it'd creep back out. "I'll meet ya there, an' we can work out together."
It had been years since Sam had done any sort of workout. He was, to tell the truth, dreading it.
“Well darlin’, why wouldja go datin’ a boy if you wasn’t sure how you felt about ‘im?”
The shower hadn’t helped either. She pulled on a pair of jeans and a tshirt, then sat on her bed with her hands between her knees, sighing every few seconds. She needed Mama’s slow, loving advice and couldn’t call, the long distance just made Mama worry in a way she rarely did when her kids were within hugging range. So she was alone. Or was she?
Wandering through the halls to Sam’s room, she knocked.
“Sammy? You there?”
Sam was, indeed, there. He was still in bed, attempting to recover from the hangover he had acquired through drinking one beer too many the previous night. He had woken up with the faintest recollection that he may have left a succession of increasingly anxious messages on Brenda's answering machine. They had started at about 8pm, harmlessly enough, Hi, it's me, just wanted to say hi, take care, bye.
By 10pm, they were more along the 'Bren, pick up, I really need to talk to you, please...' variety.
By midnight he'd been all but sobbing down the phone to her.
Now he was living with the consequences.
He was rather relieved when Paige knocked and dragged him from his wallowing pit of self-inflicted misery. "Yeah, Chubs, c'mon in, honey."
Paige stepped in, and gave him a small smile as she closed the door behind her. It wasn’t a shock at all to see Sam still in his bed- with a small house and too many children, modesty was a far away concept. “Whatcha doin still sleeping, lazybutt? Guess it’s part of that whole vacation idea, hmm?” She sat on the end of his bed and nudged off her sandals, going cross-legged nearly on top of his feet. In reality she was glad he’d slept in. He likely needed it.
“You look like hell. Shame you didn’t invite me along on that bender of yours Sammy.” She smirked. Being 19 had nothing to do with it- she’d been drinking since she was too young to tell her Mama about it. Truth be told she was likely still too young, but she’d always been the rebellious one.
"Y'all are too young," said Sam, automatically, then gave her a slightly green-around-the-gills kind of smile. "Figured I'd take a beer or two, before ya know it, it's five or six an' drivin' m'self home ain't an option any more. By then I'd figured, 'what the heck'."
She knew that at one time he had given up alcohol. He must have been feeling really bad to get out of his head the way he had.
"So what's eatin' ya, li'l sis?"
Paige looked regretful. “Oh sweetheart…” she sighed. “I shouldn’t be buggin you. I’m sorry. It’s just…”
She ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. “I’m just confused. About Bobby.”
"Paige, honey, ya don't EVER bug me. Don't ya ever start thinkin' otherwise. It's my job to be bugged by ya. It's practically in the 'big brother' job description. He sat up a bit and she noticed he was still mostly clothed, like he'd just collapsed in what he was wearing when he'd come in last night.
Which was, in fact, the case.
"What's confusin' ya 'bout Bobby, c'mon, tell me."
she needed was the slightest provocation and her worries came flooding from her before she could stop and sort them out. “It’s just that… now he’s back. And… even that first day, I knew something was different.” The concern on her face was almost painful to look at, her eyes glassy with emotion. “And it’s been a couple days now… and I’m not sure I feel the same for him that I did before he… left.”
Rubbing the back of her neck, she sighed heavily. “Things were great, better than great, before he left. I thought I was falling in love. We were having-“ she stopped. She figured Sam didn’t want to hear about the incredibly hot, incredibly frequent sex they’d been having in the two short weeks they’d known each other before the arrest. “We’d been having a great time. It’s like… he glowed. He was a hero, larger than life, and brilliant, and funny, and handsome…” Paige closed her eyes, wincing with the hurt of it.
“And then he went away. And it was still there for a while, but I was so worried… and then the worry became… anger, I guess. I resented him, ya know? ‘Cause he got so upset because some other guy kissed me before he knew we were together. And then I had to decide, only knowing him for a few weeks, whether I wanted to be his girlfriend or not.”
She looked at Sam again. “And he’s still all those things I said. He’s gorgeous, and wonderful, and we’re still having fun, but…” Paige bit her bottom lip. “I just don’t… feel… IT… there. Like I did before. Now he feels more like a… a friend.”
"C'mere," he said, and put his arms out to her so she could come to him for a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close for a minute, this precious young woman who had helped him so many years ago when he'd needed it the most. From the day she was born, even before she could talk or understand the finer points of manipulation, she'd had him wrapped around his little finger. Totally and utterly.
He stroked her hair gently.
"Now ya listen to me, Paige Guthrie," he said, in what the entire Guthrie family referred to as 'Head of the Household' voice. "What ya gotta realise is that both Bobby and yaself have been through a helluva lot in the past few weeks. It's gonna take time. Hard as it is, darlin', ya gotta start again. It wasn't ever gonna go straight back the way it was. If it's worth hangin' on for, it'll work out. Take ya time."
Paige sniffled. She absolutely abhorred crying in front of anyone, even her family- especially her family. As the second oldest Guthrie and the oldest daughter, she took a great deal of pride in her strength and her ability to handle things when things needed handling.
Paige wiped an eye, holding her breath stubbornly until the tears stopped. “I want to hold on, I want it to work… he’s so wonderful, I don’t deserve him.” Paige had a long history with bad boys who treated her just as badly. Perhaps it was rebellion, as it seemed unlikely it was low self esteem- Paige was the most confident(some might say overconfident) person most that knew her had ever met. Yet here she was, completely bewildered and lacking the ability to see the silver lining.
“But then I wonder, what if there’s someone else? What if I’m meant to be with someone else and… just Bobby’s friend. And oh god, Sam, he’s such a sensitive guy, and so… possessive. He’d never forgive me if I broke it off. Never ever ever…” her voice tightened and finally stopped, as what she’d been holding back, all the sadness over his absence and the heavy guilty over what had happened while he was gone wrenching into her heart all in one whollop. Perhaps she was making too much of it. But maybe holding it all back had made it bigger than it was before.
"Honey, oh, honey." Sam hugged his sister tightly. "Have ya talked to Bobby how ya feel? Maybe he's feelin' the same way. Y'all are both grownups, right? Ya can talk this thing through an' take it one step at a time. It's pretty obvious to me that ya care for him. If ya didn't, ya wouldn't be sat there in tears. When a gal don't love her man no more, she don't cry none. She just..."
He stopped that line of conversation.
"Ya want me to talk to him for ya? I will, ya know. I ain't a complete ogre."
Paige shook her head, resting her head in the curve of his neck, sniffling again. “I don’t know what I want Sammy… we talked about it somewhat… I told him I couldn’t say I was his girlfriend. I wasn’t ready for that. That we had to back up. He said we didn’t have to have sex anymore if that would help…” she snorted. “I really don’t know where he’s comin’ from sometimes Sammy. And he just seemed so… okay with it. And we haven’t talked since. Was only a day ago, but still.” She wiped her eyes. “I just feel this… emptiness there now.”
“I know that’s not how it’s s’posed to be. When you love someone, you want them there with you all the time. You remember the feeling of their skin when your hand is holding theirs. When you see them, you want to hold them close to you, even if it’s the wrong time.” Paige sat up, and her hands were shaking as she wiped away tears that fell without sobs. “And you remember their… eyes when you fall asleep at night. And they’re your first thought in the… in the morning…” Paige’s eyes shut tight, and she covered her face.
“Oh god Sammy what am I gonna do…” He voice was muffled, and then Paige fell apart, sobbing hard. This wasn’t like Paige at all.
He didn't say anything, just let her cry. In his experience, it was the best thing to let a woman cry and get it out of their system. He held her close and made gentle little gestures of affection: stroking her hair here, kissing the top of her head there.
He even ignored the sex comment. His sister was, after all, a grown woman - and a gorgeous one to boot. He'd given up worrying about defending her virtue years ago.
Sam Guthrie was many things. He was clumsy, awkward, not terribly bright - but he was a good brother and a kind, sweet man. Seeing his sister this upset made him angry and distressed at the same time. He wanted to rip the world apart and put it back together in a manner that would make her smile again.
"Ya gotta make a choice," he said, eventually, his voice tinged with sadness. "Ya need to work out reasons why ya want it to work. List 'em down. Then write reasons why it ain't ever gonna work. Then compare them. Really, darlin', sometimes writin' things down helps get ya head straight."
Paige leaned against her brother, toying with the end of the blanket. “I’m so sorry…” she said softly, whining a little. “I know you don’t need this. I just didn’t know what else ta do. Mama’s not here.” She sniffled, crying a little. “I miss home. So badly. That must be so stupid…” She wiped her eyes. “I miss Mama, and the kids. Specially Melody. These people ain’t like us Sam. They just don’t think the same way.” Paige sat up again, and took his hand in both of hers.
“I love ya, you know that. I wish you were here all the time.” In the end, Paige Guthrie was only nineteen years old, and this was the first time she’d been away from home. Her first ‘adult’ relationship, and the pressure of becoming an X-Man. Maybe there was more on her mind than boys.
Sniffling hard, she cleared her throat. “I think you’re right though. Maybe… writin’ it all down. I gotta figure something out… you know part of me is afraid I already know the answer? Or maybe I’m just not very good at listenin’ ta myself. Gosh Sammy… I’m so afraid of makin’ your…” She was going to say mistake, but she wondered if Sam saw it that way. Paige shook her head and didn’t finish.
If he figured out where she was going with her sentence, he showed nothing of it in his face. That was Sam all over. If any of his family had a problem, he put his own to one side and concentrated on damage limitation for his nearest and dearest.
It had been that particular personality trait that had killed his marriage in many ways.
"I miss home too, darlin'," he said, quietly. "So guess I'm just as stupid as y'all are, huh? An' ya KNOW how thick I am." He smiled at her and wiped at her tears with his free hand. "Listen to me, Paige, honey. I know ya think this is the end of the world - but believe me - an' ya gonna hear this many times. It stops hurtin' in time. Remember how cut up I was over Gilly? When she left me for that Howard guy? Right before I followed her all the way to Atlanta an' met Bren instead? It don't hurt none any more."
Something else she said connected and he brushed her hair back.
"I was doin' some thinkin' last night. An'...I'm gonna stick around. Leastways for now. Gonna call my boss, quit my job. I can't face it any more. It ain't what I want in life."
Paige met his eyes, blue eyes for blue, and smiled a little through a few tears. “Really?” More tears came in her happiness, though it was mostly emotions. She laughed shakily and wiped her own eyes, leaning in to press her lips to his cheek. “I think that’s a great plan. I sure could use a cryin’ pillow around, ‘parently…” She chuckled.
“I hope it stops hurtin’ so much. I thought it was… I don’t know. I was so happy to meet Bobby, and thought things were going so great. Now I kinda wish I wasn’t dating -anyone- and had just stuck to the plan. Workin’ hard to be an X-Man. I feel like I’ve lost track, ya know?”
"Yeah," he said, a little ruefully. "Gonna stick around here for as long as 'Ro will let me, anyway." He rubbed at his cheek after she kissed it. "Damn, girl, ya better not be wearin' any lipstick. I'm s'posed to be the respectable one."
He turned to pick up his glass of water and took a long sip. "Now, you an' I should maybe go down to the Danger Room. Burn off some of our mutual anger an' frustrations, d'ya reckon? Although I gotta get into the shower first." He sniffed. "An' prob'ly change. I'll keep ya on track much as I can, pumpkin, but ya gotta learn yaself as well."
Where had he garnered so much wisdom, and why couldn't he apply it to his own situation? He thought again of the tearful messages left on Brenda's answering machine and felt momentarily guilty.
Paige laughed softly, getting up from the bed. Here was her brother, comforting to the end, but unwilling to coddle her. She loved it.
Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “Yeah, ya smell like Uncle Jake’s cellar.” She grinned. “Meetcha downstairs for breakfast, then maybe we’ll see what we can get into in the Danger Room? You’ll have to tell me what you think of my outfit.” She went to the door and was halfway through it before she turned to look back at him.
“Thanks, Sam.”
"Sure, Chubs, it's what I do."
She'd laughed. That was what he'd hoped to hear. "I'll be down in twenty," he said, swinging himself out of bed. The hangover had been chased to the back of his consciousness and it would be a good five minutes after Paige left that it'd creep back out. "I'll meet ya there, an' we can work out together."
It had been years since Sam had done any sort of workout. He was, to tell the truth, dreading it.
